Motionless Voice


I never knew that this could ever happen. My host stares in midair as her professor keeps moving his mouth. Does this man know that he isn’t really teaching anyone? Or that we’re really just here to waste time? Oh my poor child, having to go through this every day for her life. It seems, I have to see reruns from the back of the room… watching and never doing anything. I have seen times when my host needed help from me. But I couldn’t, all I can give is hope. Empty hope…

My host, it’s time to get up, move to the door and turn right. Ah dear host, it’s sad to see you like this, you act as if you have no mind of your own. Turn right again. Now say hi to those people who you think they are your friends. And go to class.

I must keep giving directions to my host or she will seem lost. It has been forever since I remember that she has a mind of her own.

Hmm, another test? Pick up the pen and write your name host. Remember the word s now. Remember what would your teacher says and what sounds right. I know this is a wrong way to work on a test but we always seem to get a high grade. Sometimes a failing grade but still the overall is good. The bell is about to ring again; time to turn in your test host and work on your drawing for the next class.

It’s such a sad site. I keep telling her that she has no real friends but she believes that she has some. Not that I can really blame her. Everyone needs friends but they never seem to stick around when she really needs them the most and left her. Only if those people from those nice fairy tales come to life and help her with her journey and in life. Maybe they are having a vacation; a very long one that is. I hope they will come to work soon. My host is going to crack again, like last time…

Host, look, it’s them down the hall by your next class, your so called friend, go chat with her. Speak meaningless words that will create nothingness. Hurry, the bell will ring soon. You can’t get detention, no you just can’t. For it will waste your time ever more. We don’t want that to happen now do we? Sit down. Don’t stand for the flag. The people made the flag, hoping it will mean the good things of what they have done when they never did anything. Don’t stand for the second one either. They have done even worse. Today for this class, just draw something. Drawing animals. They use to make you smile.  

Blood… where is the blood child? It’s such a mystery to me. She would always smell blood out of no where. And she is not on her monthly either. Ah, perhaps someone nearby has died again. This is happening more frequently, I fear that my host will shut her self down soon.

It is that girl, she is here again. You don’t want to talk to her? Oh yes, you are still upset from the other time. Don’t be upset. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know everything. Just smile and say hi. Now show her your drawing of that fox of yours. That cunning fox is very nice. So is that monkey you drew. It’s cute. Pack up your things. You must be ready for fourth class. I hope your teacher wont try to talk to you in private again. It’s such a waste of time.

Can’t she see that she can’t help you? She doesn’t know everything either. Not like you. Only I can help you. Only me…

Say good bye to your departing companions  my host. Go up stairs. Turn a sharp U-turn and go to the end of the hallway. Go into the class and sit down. Don’t stare at that boy and girl. I know they did horrible things to you. I know they hurt you more then what you have to deal right now. It is better to be alone then be with idiots. Remember that.

Those people… they don’t know when they are hurting someone… until it’s too late. I hope those people are back from their vacation. My host needs some hope. My empty hope is growing useless.

Class is over child. Time to go downstairs so you can learn some more worthless lessons. What? You can’t move again? Oh. You are just cold again. It’s okay. You will be warm again someday.

Look, you are one of the first ones again. Sit down and see if those people of yours will notice you again. Oh it’s him again. The boy you always play with. How nice, he sees you and talks to you once more. Speak to him my host.

Maybe it is he who might be back from vacation…

Your other person is here too, say hi to her. Look for a pen in your bag. Look for the paper your teachers are giving out. Sadly you can’t remember anything.

What a useless person. Oh no I don’t mean you host. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you again? I’m very sorry. You aren’t useless. It’s because of you that I am alive. Always live for someone. I live for you and you live for me.

It’s almost time for lunch now. You must be hungry. You had only  eaten anger last night. Food will keep you living. Living is food. Living is strong. Don’t you want to be strong?

Your friend isn’t eating again. Isn’t she the one who knew that someone had died? And that someone was her friend? I wonder if she is hurting as must as you. She must be strong. We must be strong. We both know that there are many people who are in better and worse conditions then we are.

I wonder… how many people are really smiling? It’s sad to see how a wonderful person you are and yet you don’t have a friend everywhere. But then… most of them betrayed you… and crushed you down when they had the chance. It isn’t your fault my host. Remember it wasn’t your fault. It was their fault, it was their entire fault. Sadly, you were the victim. Just like everyone else.

It’s funny. Everyone is the same, yet different. If everyone was the same; then why are we all sad? And are we all happy if we really are the same? Then why don’t we all have many friends and people who will help us and give us hope? What a strange world we live.

It’s almost the end of the day. Get your stuff and go upstairs. Ah, numbers. Number are easy, but then hard because my host has to think. She isn’t very good at thinking. She may not be smart, but she often knows what is happening after a few hundred times of doing the same thing. She knows that there are always empty seats and they are always next to her. No matter if it is in the center, back, side, or in the front. An empty seat is there to accompany her.

Off to the last class of yours my host. Then you can go home.

Out of all of her classes, she only has a total few people that she can really talk to out of about thirty people in each class. It’s pity. We don’t like pity. Pity means that you are lower then them. Pity is pathetic. Even if we are pathetic, we don’t what to be viewed as one.

School is over child, time to go to your bus. It is so hot outside now isn’t it? The sun… it blinds us too much. It blinds us from the truth, but then the truth can be better hidden so it will make more people happy; people who will cry in the end. Just like us. Oh, how horrible. We have to go to the back again.

I remember when we have to go to the back. What mean people there are, can’t they see that they are hurting you? Can’t there see that their mockery and racist comments hurt you even more? Only if the moon can come out; the moon lets the bad deeds happen to those people, whether innocent or not. We were once on the bad side of the moon a couple of times. Luckily, in the end, we still lived.

This is our stop, time to get off the bus. Now go inside your house. It is time for you to rest. Oh no, one of your parents is home. You can’t take a nap for they will think there is something wrong with you and cause trouble again. There is no homework for you host. Go to your room. You can go look at pictures. They will make you smile again. Poor child, are you cold again? Go and drink some warm water or fetch a jacket.

My host spend hours looking at her collections of pictures from over the years. Bloody or lovely, as long as she smiles, it will make me smile. Your mother is home, she wants you to eat. Eat your vegetables and your meat. now wash the dishes then get ready for bed and don’t forget to brush your teeth.

It’s nine now. It’s a bit early then most people her age. But sleeping is important to her. It’s not a beauty sleep or anything like that. It’s so she can dream. Dreams help her become free from everything that she is afraid of. If I could, I would let her dream forever but then that will be murder and I couldn’t do anything anyways for we need each other to live.

She is sleeping now, under the covers. I watch her breathing.

Sometimes, she forgets to breath. I don’t know how but she somehow forgets. It’s like she wants to stop living alone, alone in world full of people. I’m not sure if she knows I’m here. I feel like a stalker, but I don’t want to hurt her.

The moon and the stars are fading away. I should wake her. I’m sorry dear host; I must interrupt your sweet dreams. Now, go take a shower and wash up for school once again. I hope today will be a little different. Maybe today, those helpful people from the fairy tales shall come soon and help you stop reliving yesterday.

Wake up your mother and get in the car, another daily routine. Ah, we are here early again. There is no one. Go sit on the table you sit everyday and wait for those people who think they know you but really they know nothing.

Why do those people she goes with know nothing? Well, she does care for them. A silly thing for we know they won’t be there forever. She doesn’t want worry them. She knows they have their own problems to deal with. She knows that we all are really just sad people. Also, they will try to help her which will only make her feel even worse. Again, we don’t take pity.

Smile my host, smile; they are talking to you. Talk about your dreams again. Oh? You died again? Ah, I’m sorry. Sadly I wasn’t watching close enough to see what was on your mind as you sleep. Get up, the bell has rung. Go to first class and I will guide you.

They aren’t off of their vacation. I hope it will end soon. Hopefully, before she ends. For now, I can only help her by being there and talking to her. I am the only one who can help her. I am the only one who knows everything about her. Only I can see her tears. Why? Because, I am the voice in the back of her head.